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.. on ... you know, on the thing..." he stopped talking, a growing look of puzzlement on his face. "Goddamnit," he spit out, "The thing that does the thing!" Which thing?" I asked innocently."The thing with the ... the ... the stuff!" he said. "The ... the stuff!!" Oh, that thing," I said. "Yeah, you can't remember that. You can't remember where it is, or how it works, or the last four or five crucial insights that let you take control of it." I paused. "You can't even remember what it does, exactly."I knelt down to look at him. "You can't even remember what it does. All you can remember is that you used it and it helped you. And now you can't even remember where it is or what is does. For all you know," I said, standing again, "this might be what you're talking about."He glanced at the dish I was pointing to. "Yeah, right," he said. "That's not it. It's the ... the... " his face contorted with effort. "The thing!" Yeah," I said. "The thing." I paused. "The thing that's far away and. Riley bitches about captains . . . I bitch about majors and colonels. Riley has a way of saying “saving yourself Sir” when we’re into the Johnny Walker and he’s diatribing every officer in the British Army. He lets me off lightly because I take the same shit as he does . . . and because so far I’ve kept everyone alive. I often wonder why I seconded to this mob from Canada. I guess because in Canada we don’t get to kill anybody but here we do. But, it’s not really that. A body is a body. You lose your anger when you see them all still. There’s a ratchet thing in our brains that counts. We have this idea that if you kill enough of them there will be no more to hurt you—but there always are . . . and we know that. We have to play these head games to keep from screaming. We are neurotic . . . perhaps sometimes a little psychotic. Aid to the civil power—that’s what we’re doing. All we want to do is get drunk, get laid, sleep for eons. Sleep is the elusive angel of our lusts. We never get.
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