In Josh’s defense, I never did tell him what I wanted or needed. Until Ben Sheppard came along, I didn’t know what I wanted or needed and wouldn’t let myself consider that what I wanted and needed is the firm hand that Ben gives me. In many ways, I feel like Ben Sheppard took my virginity. My hymen is long gone, but really having a feel for what sex is or what it could be, didn’t happened until now. I finally get to see the beauty of the love act at thirty-three. ‘I love you.’ I can say the ‘I’. I think I understand the ‘love’. That only left the ‘you’. Was Ben Sheppard the ‘you’? Could I love Ben Sheppard? That’s how I asked myself the question earlier today. ‘Could I love Ben Sheppard?’ How I asked the question answered the question. I didn’t ask myself ‘Do I love Ben Sheppard?’ but could I love him? That ‘could’ answered it. No. I didn’t love Ben Sheppard. Why? He’s all the things I want. He’s protective, he’s soft hearted at home and has a firm hand in the bedroom. He seems to. Pastor Bill had assigned the first reading to me, and I reviewed it as it was printed in the program. He wanted me to say a little something about The Program after my reading, too, so I'd made some notes about that, too.The cross bearer came down the aisle, leading the choir, the cantor and pastor Bill, and the service began.It was the usual liturgy, beginning with the brief order of confession and forgiveness. As I dutifully recited the words, and then Pastor Bill forgave us our sins, I couldn't help wondering how God himself felt about what I'd done over the past week. I guess I'll just have to wait to find that out.Then it was the opening hymn, and I was glad it was one I knew. The comments of the Marine yesterday were still with me, so I sang a little more boldly than I usually do."Please be seated," Pastor Bill said, and my heart began to beat faster as I got up to give the first reading.There was a bit of a stir as I made my way down the aisle, and I was conscious of the air.
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