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I was so scared that years later, I would find the one that I was meant to be with and that there would be hell or that I would miss the one that I was meant to be with. We ended up breaking up. After we broke up his parents kicked him out. He found a trailer to rent and had to quit school and go to work at the sawmill full time just to be able to afford to live. I dated a few guys and was miserable. I missed him so much and regretted our breakup. I tried to get back together but he acted like he didn’t want to, so I gave up. I knew that I had lost the best thing to ever happen in my life and I started to believe that I was destined to be miserable. I started dating this really cute guy who turned out to be a real psycho. It was a very abusive relationship and I had it set in my mind that it was what I deserved. That I didn’t deserve to be happy and deserved to be miserable for hurting Shane like I did. This went on for a couple of years. When things were at their worst and I was. He was creatively sterile and vanilla in his pleasures. Sex with him was okay, sometimes great, but he held no interest in trying new things. When I’d shared a fantasy with him once, about a young man of maybe sixteen, he shut me down and shamed me for thinking of anyone but him. The marriage was dissolved within weeks. I needed more taboo stimulation than missionary sex followed by a blow job.Other than my first husband, no one had ever shared my secret, the one where I was passionately attracted to high school-aged boys. That fire has burned all my life, and a dark part of me knew that, if I ever found myself in the perfect moment to act on it, I would do so with little hesitation.I regularly masturbated to porn featuring teen actors, even gay twink scenes. Those, especially, featured young looking boys, often waxed and looking younger down below. I imagined it was me spreading my legs for those boys and being filled with their hard penises until I orgasmed myself silly.I married.
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