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That would be impossible and crazy.” “You said I should be a free spirit and be dangerous, why can’t we be crazy and dangerous together?” Again, stunned by her directness, her pleading, brown eyes urging me to stay and live with her, be her lover and saw her innocence and wildness, her goodness and seductiveness, and remembered her longing for a man to take her from her lonely existence to a place of being wanted and loved. Her words and the idea of staying with this beautiful, sexy, wild, passionate woman excited me. My taking off on a freighter with no money was an adventure, and though my plans had fallen apart, I was seeing places I had never seen and having experiences I would never have had. And now, I was on Rhodes with Annika offering herself to me, begging me to stay and live dangerously, passionately and become two free spirits tossing caution to the wind in order to feel completely alive. “You’re serious, aren’t you?” The temptation of actually staying was rising in me.. I had no way of knowing that getting my wisdom teeth out at eighteen would ruin my life. You can’t know you’ll steal from your parents and pawn your mother's engagement ring or fuck for drugs until you run out of money. Because you need that fix. Because you’re shitting your brains out and you know everyone knows and everyone’s looking at you and all the muscles in your body tighten like unthreading screws. The world is fucked, and you’re dying. My mother always encouraged me not to be morally corrupt, not to focus on material things. So what was an expensive watch, to lose? What’s this or that? The love is what matters, not the ring, right? Pawn, pawn, pawn…And then it stops. Then people see who robbed them blind. You see yourself in their eyes and you’re ashamed and you duck out or get kicked out or both. The streets are hard, but the need is worse and you do things you never thought you’d do. Rob old ladies, sleep with that dickhead pimp, that john, whatever it takes.
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