On the one hand I faced denial and ice. On the other I faced revival and dice. What do I mean ‘dice’? Easy… it would be a roll of the dice, considering whether to go down this road or not, and the resulting benefits or consequences. My inner fire was running low on fuel. Suck me! This just wouldn’t do. I needed something, someone to reignite my thruster. I needed a muse to reenergize my creative spirit. Besides, my self pleasuring and fantasies were getting to be the only intimacy I knew anymore. Oh I could wander my paw, taking my own measure like a champ, trust me. I knew the benefits of Kegel exercises as well as anyone, and made damn certain I practiced. I approached my princely pole with adoration and due reverence, carefully orchestrating a cadence and effect to bring myself to the brink, and then ease back, bring myself to the height of majesty, then float back to a smoldering wane, learning there was no elixir syrup as well suited for lubrication than nature’s own. The. “Oh, hush you! I don’t have many days left of being to fuck, that’s true. So let me enjoy the few days left before my lungs won’t allow it. A day, two, or three at the most. It’s bad enough that I won’t really get to enjoy most of my marriage, as long as it lasts. This cancer is killing me fast, and it’s true that smoking and fucking will speed things up, but I want to wring what little joy I can out of it before I take the Great Dirt Nap, okay, baby?” Mom managed to say.“Okay, but I have to do the hard work. No cowgirl stuff, Mom. I mean it. No reverse cowgirl, either. I have to be the active partner here. Conserve your strength and especially your breath, Mom,” I tried to limit the damage.I wasn’t drunk or high, full of lust and irrational exuberance as I was last night. Now, in the cold light of the morning after, I was genuinely concerned at the way that Mom exerted herself, in bed and out of it as she put on a brave front and concealed the aggressive rate of the cancer’s spread..
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