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Her response was soon to buy me abunch of books on gay life style and the dangers of getting aids. Sheeven said she talked to a priest at church who was very disapproving ofthe whole thing. All this resulted in was my filling the sink andsticking my electric razor under water in an attempt to electrocutemyself.When I went off to college I started using to the library computer totry to understand myself better. I learned that there was a differencebetween being gay and who I was. I always knew that even though Ithought guys were cute, my feelings had nothing to do with wanting tosleep with guys. It was about me and how I saw my own body and self.That I wasn't gay but a transsexual wishing that I was in the girl'sdorm instead of the boy's dorm.It was also around this time that I first told my mother straight outthat now that I was out of high school, I'd wear a skirt or dress forspecial occasions, but I'd kill myself before I got dressed up in a suitand tie again. Something mom argued. At first glance, Andrea didn't seem to be paying him any overtly greatconsideration. She seemed though friendly towards him, as if she wereenjoying his company, and attention. It was in closer observation of their body language towards each otherthat I began to worry. They were showing attentiveness, and a form ofbeing connected... a couple's thing. Was this 'it'? Was this now that what I had foreseen and tried to avoid,in avoiding Andrea at the start of our relationship? Though it hurt like hell, and my stomach was cramping into a knot,feeling like it had been punctured by hundreds of knives and daggers, Ihad to know. I had to know now, before I went any deeper into thisrelationship. Better to die the one death quickly, than the thousands ofsmall slow deaths later. I decided to stay back, and see where this wasgoing. If Andrea was going to do 'it', it might as well be now. I'd giveher as much room as possible, to make her own choice. I would only know,and act accordingly.That.
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