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Other times. Was this darkness part of that?”I looked past her over her shoulder, tasting my memories of that time. The constant threat of nuclear annihilation was part of the rotten, acrid flavour of my teens and early twenties – but only as a grimy, roiling background for the canvas on which the rest of my life was chaotically splashed.“It didn’t help, but it was so omnipresent that it became part of the background. And then I moved to Australia, the other side of the world where the threat was very distant.”Col looked at me, her voice soft. “Can you tell me why you ... tried again?”My breathing sped up as I looked into my past which was again my future. “I never really fitted in anywhere. I knew I couldn’t be a pilot, but I tried and, of course, I failed. My doubts about my worth in every job I did would get reinforced by something going wrong in my life. I would despair at putting myself in that place of pain yet again and that would push me towards ... that solution.”Col glanced. I drove up to the Caravan and got there a little early, 1:45. As I parked up and got out to admire the view, it was a beautiful day and I could see for miles over the rolling hills, as I took out a cigarette an older man approached me, “You waiting for Jonathan” “Yes I am why?” “I’m his uncle he’s rung me to say he’s going to be late by about an hour”, strange I thought why didn’t he ring me.“Oh Ok I’ll give him a ring” I replied taking my phone out I rang him and it went onto his answer machine, I didn’t leave a message. As I smoked my cigarette his uncle said “Have you and him been seeing each other long” “No it’s just a casual thing” “Oh sorry my mistake” as he sat on the ground next to me, I studied him closely.He was 5’9” quite tubby, looked about my age 50ish and was wearing jeans and a shirt. As we sat there his arm soon rested on my shoulders, “I’ve got a key to the van if you’re interested” as he lightly traced the back of his hand down my cheek, I must admit he wasn’t bad.
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