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I had downed one with each of the eight shots in the M1 and three with the Glock before they could even figure out what was doing it. Eleven of the original nineteen were on the ground crying and moaning, or not even able to make a sound. I wondered about Zakat but Matatu would have to take care of him.The eight left standing dropped their spears when I stopped firing for a second and then they all went to the ground, in a sign of surrender. I knew they must be scared shitless but figured at least one would panic shortly and try to run off."Do not move until I tell you you can. I will kill any of you that stand up again," I said, yelling it.I hadn't made five steps in their direction when one of them couldn't stand it any longer and stood up to run. It wasn't even a difficult shot and he went right back to the ground with most of what might charitably have been called brains pushed out through the big new hole in his face."Do not stand up if you want to live any longer," I said,. By the time the dance ends I'm trembling with a feeling I cant put myfinger on.Then he kisses me, and I can name it.I'm in love with him.I want him to hold me, and kiss me, and do things I am not equipped forwith me ....Then I wake up, crying.I dont know what to do about this.I dont know who I can talk to.I know dreams aren't real, but it comes from somewhere, but where?And its not just the dream. Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror, andI look .... wrong, somehow. I look and I half-expect to see the girl frommy dream looking back at me.And the fact she doesn't is a grief I cant even begin to describe ....I've got to pull myself together, shake this off somehow.I wish I had someone to talk to about this, but who?My dad is a man's man, he's counting on me to follow in his footsteps. Goto collage, be the Big Man on Campus, marry a girl just like mom, he'dnever understand.And Tammy's counting on being the girl in that picture, I can tell this inthe way she talks about our future. .
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