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He put it in his mouth, over and over, and took it out again. He thought of her, and the joy he would never know again for as long as he lived--not just the sex; of knowing Carol loved him--and he cried, and stopped, and cried again, and put the gun in his mouth, then took it out again and looked at it. Each time, something stopped him: His mother would be so angry about the mess; but then, if that's all she's worried about, piss on her anyway.Maybe he should write Carol a letter and tell her why he did it, and lie and tell her it wasn't her fault so she won't feel so bad; but she wouldn"t blame herself anyway, so it's pointless.Still, a letter might be good; but then it's not like she'll care all that much anyway. I'll just be out of her hair. His dad would think him a loser; but then, he did already. What if she decides to come back to me? Nah. That ship has sailed. False hope really isn't better than none at all. Finally, he was ready; he said his final prayer, and closed his. She wanted meto sing "There You Are" it is a song of how God can be seen everywhereif you just look and it was a very beautiful song and just before theend of it you sang in one long breath a variety of notes and ended itwith, "There you are." My mommy really loved that song. A nurse came injust then to tell us we had to leave and my mommy asked her if I couldjust sing a song for her before we left and the nurse said yes andwaited in the room with us. I took a deep breath and calmed myself andwent within and started singing.When I was done I looked at my mommy and she was smiling but crying. Ilooked around and there were now four nurses in the room and people inthe hallway as well. My aunties were smiling and so were Glena and Mrs.Russell, the other people were all saying things at once in low tonesso I just went over to my mommy and told her I loved and missed her. Ihugged her gently and kissed her. I told her to get better real soonand not to worry because I was going to be the.
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