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The men had been too long without the forced marches we had been accustomed to in Spain, and found it a great difficulty to march through the mud and floods. Consequently we had numbers of men who fell out exhausted, or who just took advantage of the looser discipline under these conditions, and went foraging and looting.I was put in charge of the rear-guard, and was told to keep the stragglers marching, by hook or by crook. I recalled a stratagem I saw the King’s German Legion (KGL) use in Spain. Anyone who fell out from the column was stripped of their uniform, boots and weapon, and was left to freeze or starve to death. I employed the same procedure, and it was amazing how men who swore they were on the brink of death could suddenly find strength to fall in and march with the column. The men of my company called these suddenly reinvigorated men “Lazaruses”.By the middle of March we had reached the village of Hatfield, on the Great North Road. Grantham was only a five day march up. The house was dark, the only light coming from the eerie gray aura passing through the windows. My family had gone to a friend’s house to enjoy their electricity and running water, while I had chosen to stay home. I wanted to be alone for this. I sat at my desk in my room with a glass of water and a pile of pills next to me. They were sleeping pills, painkillers, and everything else I had. I was slowly writing a suicide note, trying to use my best penmanship. I included the instructions for my funeral and how I wanted to be buried. I finally put down the pen. My hands were almost always trembling, but now they were finally steady.“Goodbye pain,” I said before I took a handful of pills and swallowed them, followed by the remainders.I then moved over to my bed and lied down, staring at the ceiling and contemplated my life while I waited for death to come. It really had been a worthless life. Maybe I would finally learn what relief was in dying, but considering my luck, I would probably.
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