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She asked me if I wanted to see it, but I said no. A day or two after that, we had been out having fun with friends and enjoying drinks. We went home and were having sex in the missionary position. Her eyes were closed and she looked to be enjoying the feeling. Then just randomly she said "Fuck me with your black dick". Needless to say this was a bit of a surprise. I replied "Is that what you want" but all she did was smile. She got really wet and came quickly.Everything went on as normal for several weeks, until she said she wanted to watch porn. I said "Okay what do you want to watch?" and she said "I want to watch black guys fucking white girls". I said okay and noted that it was a bit of a surprise. She did not reply. Again, we had sex and she brought up black dicks. I did not question it because she was definitely turned on and she was a lot more fun sexually, with more enthusiasm. Up to this point any time she ever spoke about black dicks, she had been drinking. It never came. The blank screen across the room mocked me. No words from anyone in days. Nothing but silence brought about by my own weaknesses. My deepest fear was realized time and again…no one wanted me, for any amount of time. I always fucked up and they always walked away. There was an empty bottle of wine that lay shattered against the locked door. I didn’t know why I had locked it. No one would be coming to see me, to save me. This was my own personal hell, created for and by me. This is where I would live, the monstrosity of pain that I had built on trying to be what no one really wanted. I had not eaten for days. The hunger pangs had stopped long ago. I was starving, but on many levels which had nothing to do with food. The starvation sank deep into my bones and it would no doubt be what killed me. A loud clap of thunder shook the walls and sound reverberated inside my little room. It had been raining non-stop, lightning and thunder playing off one another in the distance. Perhaps it was.
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