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Anyway, Iwas dressed to the nines (whatever that means) and feeling pretty goodabout myself, so why not give the boys a little feminine display ofsexuality when I walked past them. I knew I smelled good because I waswearing some perfume. I could hear William sniff a big whiff of air as Iwalked past. Boys are so peculiar.Mother and I walked to the basement reception area to enjoy some companywith the other ladies of the church. I sat with some of my girlfriends.They had no idea that I was really a boy and I wasn't about to tell them.Susan informed us of a birthday party and was handing out invitations.Boys were not allowed. Cool - the invitation was all pink and feminineand I felt really lucky to be invited to one of the more popular girls'birthday party. What to wear?It turned out this was a sleepover party and I was all excited aboutthat. Mother didn't seem too apprehensive and told me we'd have to getsome new pajamas for this event. I asked why and she told me it was bestfor me to. Bear and Sheila escorted me into my house and were immediately met by mom. I couldn’t look into her eyes as I ran straight into my room. I could hear jumbled voices through the door and knew exactly where they were in the conversation, when I heard mom’s loud and painful shriek.A few minutes later, I heard mom, knock at my door. “Jay, are you OK?”“I will be Ok Mom,” my voice still shaking.Maybe what I said was true. Thinking to myself, ‘Maybe I WILL be OK, but I am NOT OK NOW!’ I was hurting. Every cell in my body felt like it was imploding. The pain was intense. I needed to exorcise the pain inside me.I opened my desk drawer and took out my Swiss army knife. I ran my finger along the edge of the blade to satisfy myself with its sharpness. I undressed and threw my clothes in the corner, taking a seat on my desk chair. Here I sat naked with a knife in my hand.In my estranged mind, I could only think that I could rid myself of one pain by creating another pain to replace it. The sun.
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