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I had begun to dress more and more actively, to change my overall appearance in subtle ways. I strove for a place where I could be less male, and more female. This had not always gone well, but it had become important.We had talked for hours and hours over the past weeks and months. The talks had been painful for us both. At times, things felt wonderful all over again, but a cloud had hovered over us for months. And yesterday, we had had a huge fight. Things appeared very bleak, and so I had left, seeking some space to think, to ponder, to just find some answers.I loved her. She was my life. She had taken me down paths of learning I would never explore myself. She has freed me to be a better person than I was before I met her. She has also revealed parts of myself to me that I would rather have not known. She was the smoke of a drug I wished to suck inside myself and never let go of.And now I was with her again. Riding in the car, watching the wipers move rhythmically, I did. I eagerly accepted, maybe too eagerly. Anyway I was very interested in 'getting on' with one of them. They were both divorcees, both with a kid, and both very attractive. I thought my odds were good, since I had had an affair with a divorced mom before, but I should have comprehended that these were two worldly ladies and were way out of my league.After about a half-hour it was clear neither was looking for a boy toy, and I was no doubt a little too hormonal (being on my third beer didn't help). I'm sure they were both feeling not a little awkward, and soon both very nicely said they were tired and smoothly departed, each giving me a hand squeeze as they left. I'm sure they had a nice tittering conversation about how embarrassingly obvious I had been. Not the first time I had struck out with an older women by acting immature.I stayed in the convention lounge after they left. I wasn't in a hurry to get home, and wanted to drown my frustration at not having got on with either of the.
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