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And I don't really feel as differently as I thought I would either, except that I do find I am starting to think about sex more since it happened. I wonder if that is normal.....Anyway, it didn't happen as I thought it would: perhaps after a long courtship and lots of preparatory kissing and cuddling. Or with the man who was to be my husband - that is how I always hoped it would be. That is how I always planned it would be. But this was unplanned, and I was totally unprepared for the new sensations that arose in me on Christmas night. I just didn't expect that a party at my Lolo's house would see me become a woman. I just thought we would spend the evening singing kara-oke, with the men drinking coconut wine and playing cards in the back room. That is how it has always been in the past. There were the usual elderly neighbors of Nana there, as well as Nanay and Tatay, my sisters and brothers, and the usual helpers and ya-yas on their night off. There were also lots of cousins and. Not really. It was too easy to just let things slide or to swallow my desire after a number of rejections. If I had been able to put my supposed needs or fetishes aside, I wouldn’t be here, in the office, on my knees.And if I was honest with myself, I would have to admit that no one but me forced me to watch those videos. Or to visit those stores. Or to use that app when I was traveling for work.And if I was honest with myself, I stopped looking at her a long time ago. I started looking at the men in the gym or in our client meetings. Most men, let’s be honest, are not worth a second glance, intellectually or physically. Once in awhile though…If I am honest with myself, he could have been an ass about it. He could have used it against me or forced me. He did none of those things -- how much him being married also has to do with it, I don’t know.If I am honest with myself, it was on that trip to the conference in Portland. I’d reactivated my profile, sans picture, before I left home..
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