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Jamie was cute, but he was soft, you know? He was kind of a girly-boy, and he hated it. We got along well, I guess, but he was picked on a lot ... well, he'd had enough, and by the time he got to our house, one night when our parents were going to the theatre, he'd about been driven to the end of his rope."Denise took a sip of the wine. "I've never drank anything stronger than wine since then," she smiled at Lenore. "He'd brought a bottle of whiskey, and some grass. I wouldn't smoke the grass with him, but I did drink some of the whiskey." Denise shuddered, delicately. "Nasty stuff. I understand it's better on ice, and sipped slowly."Lenore nodded, fascinated."So, the whiskey burned my throat. And I got drunk. And when he complained about never being kissed, it was just so easy to kiss my uncle, you know?" Not giving Lenore a chance to respond, she continued. "One thing led to another, as it will, and there I was, losing my virginity. It didn't last real long, and I don't think. The constantbleakness that had filled my heart every time I convinced myself thatbeing a boy wasn't so bad, had been replaced by the knowledge that for awhile I would be able to dress as a girl every day. Yet the knowledgewas tempered with the irrational fear that I would look so good thatnobody would believe I was a boy, or worse, they would know I was a boywearing a dress, but it did not seem to matter. Either way, all mydressing as a girl would do is lead me down a path I did not want toreturn on, which would only make it harder on me when I had no choicebut to return to being a boy again. I could sense that bleakness,waiting, hoping I would be a boy again very soon, and dreading thatprospect. I wanted to dress as a girl. I wanted to be a girl.Yet every moment I spent with mom at the mall, in lingerie, then shoes,and the dress department only drew me in deeper. Each item she handedme, every time she asked my opinion, made me feel so much like a girlthat by the time we stopped for.
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