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" I think you're confusing self esteem with ego." I'd say there's a very fine line between the two, if any. Regardless, both my ego and my self esteem are quite healthy." Rather than debate that, let's move on. Do you blame your wife for having abandoned you?" I do feel abandoned. I'm not sure I blame anyone. She had cancer, she died. It wasn't anyone's fault. I suppose I could blame her or the doctors or God or the blue meanies. It won't bring her back." It's hard to tell from your response whether you've got your feelings of loss under control or you just aren't ready to deal with them yet. I'm sure we'll clarify that as we go on. Let's talk about your relationships since then." Well, first there was Jane..." She was the one who was Meg's friend." Right. It became obvious pretty quickly that we couldn't build the type of thing either of us was looking for. We're still friends and we talk once in a while, but with Meg out of the picture, we don't have much common interest. Then there. She figured this would solve our financial woes.She was right. Financially we did well. We lived within our means but our home life sucked. For over five years I did the part-time stints. Our marriage grew further and further apart. It was either me being home or the money. Bev stopped arguing with me because if I quit the jobs she couldn't have some of the luxuries to which she had become accustomed. I was lucky if we had sex once a month. Other than shooting my rocks off, I felt no love from Bev. Maybe I wasn't giving any love either but I guess maybe I didn't see it that way at the time.In my career as a cop, I'm not going to say I didn't get a little on the side now and then. It did happen. Whenever I got home and my wife wanted nothing to do with me, I usually got pissed off, got back in my car, went to the local watering hole and sometimes found someone as lonely as me. The first couple of times I really felt bad about it. But after awhile it was just a fuck, a way to release.
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