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My body had been wrapped in an expensive dress, my nailshad been covered in a red-coloured polish, and I... I felt like I wasabout to suffocate. Literally felt like I was about to die. It was afeeling I'd felt countless times before, but on those occasions, I'dbeen too afraid to do anything. Today... Today was different."I don't need to be afraid," I repeated, even though deep down inside, Iwas petrified. For months, I'd tried to convince myself that I wasreally a boy, that I wanted to be a boy, not a girl, that everything Iwas was wrong... But there was a very fundamental difference betweenconvincing yourself of something and trying to convince others. Howwould my parents react? How would Emma react? Or Becca? Would they shunme? Would they force me to live like a girl? Would they send me to somekind of asylum, where I'd be brainwashed into believing that I was agirl after all?"I don't need to be afraid," I said confidently for a third time in thedeepest voice I could manage. This. ”They laughed.“And you didn’t leave with Nick, Chanda?” I asked.“It was difficult enough with my getting aboard the Portuguese ship,” Nick explained. “Not with the captain, who was a minion, but others on board. A woman, and from another race other than Caucasian? It would not have been possible.”“I had to pretend to be a boy and a servant when I left Japan centuries later,” Miwa reminded me.“But this glamour,” I began.“I can look older, or younger in my case now, but cannot fundamentally change my appearance in a person’s mind,” Nick answered before I finished asking.“This is different for you, this skin?” I asked.“Completely. Unlike Xo, who always looks like a handsome young scholar of Chinese descent, or Simon looking ever prettier as a blonde, I completely changed my looks from skin to skin, but always looked masculine, like a quarterback I suppose looks masculine and attractive to the opposite sex. An alpha male. And young enough to complete the attraction, with enough maturity.
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