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" Jane, Mary and I were making love last night. We took a long time about it, the way we like to. She's likely to come several times when we do that. I'm sorry if it bothered you." Well, it didn't exactly bother me. It sounded so happy, so wonderful. It made me feel good. I sort of hoped you were... doing that." Jane," Mary said, "We call it making love, or screwing. I know a lot of people call it fucking, but somehow that word doesn't work for me." Yeah, I noticed that. It's okay to say 'screwing'?" Sure. You can say anything you want, Jane, I just wanted you to know how we say it." What are we doing today?" Today, we go out to Fairplay and pick up the horses. Henry'll be glad to see you." I've never seen a ranch." We could stay overnight, if you like. We'd still be back in time to get the horses in stables and pick up your father." Could we?" Sure."Jane spent most of her time at the ranch with her mouth open. She looked at the horses in their winter quarters, watched the hands ride. What of it? Given that I do not come from a religious background, that I was born and raised in a very cosmopolitan city, that I am very educated, and well-traveled, these reactions are hard to explain. Possibly my self-image was incompatible with it. It wasn’t social acceptance I needed, but self-acceptance. I could tell myself I wouldn’t do it, but deep down I knew I would succumb to my dark desires. They made me feel dirty and ashamed, but horny as well.It felt degrading and naughty, yet it fulfilled some need I didn’t know I had, some identity that had been kept secret from myself. This part was very liberating and exciting.Nonetheless, when I took out or answered an ad, I felt adrenalized, even shaking. Why did I force myself to do this? If they responded, I was excited, yet terrified. If they didn’t, I felt disappointed and discouraged, but relieved. If I accepted, I would think about it all day, with a knot in my stomach. Yet, when it came time to meet, I half felt like.
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