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I need to be whole for them.In losing Anita, I seem to have also lost myself. I mean, I'm a proud guy. I've always been the one others call when they have problems. I was in the Navy and did two deployments to Iraq, so I'm not a crybaby, I'm a realist. The diagnosis was made, and we sought treatment. We did all we could, but cancer is an invitation to the other side to which, in most cases, the RSVP can not be withdrawn.Nothing motivates me now. It's as if I'm on autopilot, and everything I do is just part of my programming. I haven't even gone back to work yet. It'd probably help me to keep busy, but I can only think of my precious wife and how much I miss her just being here.Those few seconds in the morning when I first wake up, are the only peace I get.Until I remember...Journal Entry Number Two:Anita came to me last night. It wasn't my imagination, and I didn't dream it, although everyone would say I had. I can hardly believe it myself.She lay down on the bed next to me, and we. .." I stammered when she stopped me. I was trying to apologize but she kissed me on the cheek and just smiled at me before heading to her bedroom at the back of the house. "Another time, sweetie," I heard her say as she walked away. I left her guest bathroom and headed to the front door when I noticed a magazine on the kitchen counter. It was a Cosmopolitan magazine and although I never buy them I am fascinated by the crazy articles they have in them sometimes. I heard her soaking in the shower so I paged through it real quick when something caught my eye. Someone had written a letter to some doctor in there who has a Q & A column. The question was: "Dr. Joe, I am worried about my boyfriend. He loves to have sex in very public places but the smallest distraction will cause me to stop him abruptly, sometimes two or three times a night. If we are headed home it isn't a problem but many times this will happen before he goes to work so I need to know if doing this will cause some kind of.
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