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All of this is my fault, and I’m the only one to blame. I’m responsible for what I did, and for seriously damaging our relationship. I understand my motivation and why it happened, and I hope you’ll forgive me.“It all comes down to a deep-seated fear that making love with you would change us in ways that we couldn’t predict or control. It was one thing to talk about it and plan it, but a very different thing to actually do it. As the time got closer, my subconscious panicked, afraid that by following through on what I had promised, I would ruin things forever between us.”Stephanie squeezed my hand as a way of encouraging me to keep going. I took a deep breath and let it out.“I was conflicted because I had given you my promise to do exactly what you wanted. At first, it was grudging, but eventually I accepted it, then, in the end, embraced it. Or so I thought, at least consciously. But my subconscious was thinking otherwise. I knew that breaking my promise to you would be devastating,. . I killed him a thousand times over in my mind.... His form extinguished by the hood of my car raging into him outside of his jock club, the mma fighting club where I'd first gotten homoerotic thoughts about him. I held it back and back and back... until one day, I thrust my index finger into my rectum and imagined myself dominated by all those who had flaunted their large male members. Even then, though, my killing thoughts lingered. I swore when I went off to college I would come back and kill him in the evening hours, my trusty green car battering the life out of him as I spun my tires away back to Maryland, awaiting a call that my friend had been killed, by a stranger no less. But I didn't. I stayed my killing hand. I turned my thoughts to homosexual images of buff, bulging men muscles, glittering in tan, surreal Apollo rooms, while I shut myself in my college dormroom. That night, that first night, I let it all loose. I tendered my small member to the image of a Blonde god, a 14.
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