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He did not want to go university, he had said; and the ensuing discussions with school, parents, vicar and others had ranged around ‘he owed it to his country’, ‘he owed it to School’, ‘he owed it to his parents’. There was much about duty and little about what he wanted from life. He had given way and agreed to read for Natural Sciences; within a week he knew it had been a mistake, within four weeks he had all but stopped listening to the interminable drivel the lecturers spouted. He found his fellow students variously patronising, overbearing or just thick. It was irritating that he, who had arrived through the (metaphorical) sweat of his brow and his natural intelligence, should be looked down on by these over-subsidised and undeserving upper class twits. At week seven he packed his bag, wrote a letter to his father begging forgiveness for failing to fulfil his father’s dreams and a letter to his mother promising to return one day. He had taken a train to Birmingham and then one to. During this, I contemplated all sorts of dark things, not least of which was an end to all this. I was just so angry and upset by a litany of bad events for the last, well years really. I wanted it to stop and one way to do that was to end it once and for all.On my bed and through the copious flow of tears, I tried to fathom how my life had got this far into the mire. I knew that my size was part of the problem, but there was little I could do about that and it scared me that my first sojourn into feminine attire had made me feel something I had never felt before, something that in amongst the angst and turbulence, felt right.Through the snivels and sobs, I tried to come to terms with the fact that I liked being one of the girls; I liked playing their games, well, not the ones that Mandy appeared to be playing, but the dressing up and the makeup. I even caught myself thinking that I had wasted so much time NOT joining in with the dressing up before, but then I wasn't given the.
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