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An impossible andunthinkable state only a few days ago was becoming reality.John flopped down on me and within 2 minutes was lightly snoring. I triedto wriggle free, but as I moved he said. "You know, I love to snuggle,let's just spoon and fall asleep."His desire was as strong as Peter's command, I complied and even offeredhim my bum to snuggle up to. As soon as he began to snore again the tearsslowly trailed down my face and on to the pillow. Somehow, I knew this wasfinal, if I was pregnant now, as I was certain I was, then soon therewould be a child dependent on me for protection and nourishment. Even if Icould return to being John, how would I be able to that to my own child,to our child. It deserved to have a mother and a father that loved andcared for it, if I changed myself back to John then what would happen tothe child?The tears continued to flow and I spent most of that night and manyfollowing nights experiencing the same process. John settled into his roleas dominant man. 'Alice' comes up to me. Poor plain, plump girl."Hi Alice, I hope you got over this fantasy of being me?" I say.Her plain face turns red."You wont get away with this!" Look, Alice, you have two choices. You can accept who you are and make the best of it. Be yourself, isn't that what you once told me. Or things can get worse - they put insane people away you know."She refuses to listen. "I'm going on Merton's cable TV show and will expose you, Alice!"I smile with superiority and push her out of my way. She staggers. I am so much stronger than her now! I look up Merton to find out what's going on. It's too cool! He's going to expose her as a nut and make fun of her!I place a call to the probation board; they put me on hold and I giggle, now Lori is the one with a record! Great, they going to have someone at the show and see if 'Alice' shows any violent tendencies. I laugh this is going great!I spend sometime in front of the mirror turning this way and that! I smile. It is wonderful being.
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