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Not asking why took a little longer, but all of my questions went away eventually. That's what it is to be a slave. I was numb now, except in my dreams, and numbness is a thing you can't understand until you feel it. Until it consumes you. Becomes you."You go on television today." There was the clattering of a metal tray being shoved under the bars, kicked towards me so that the cold hard rice was caught and tumbled off to flake on the floor.I scrambled for it, catching the rice in my broken fingers like a living thing and pushing it between my lips. He watched me. Not smiling, not frowning, just watching. There was fruit on the tray, four sections of whitish-orange jackfruit. I picked them up carefully, one at a time, sitting with my knees against my breasts, my chin in the valley between them. Television. I was going on television again, that was why they gave me fruit. I ate it slowly, rocking back and forth and staring at the wall.My first time had been very hard. I hadn't wanted. I know I owe so much to him and his family. I know the grace of God is unfathomable and deep. That's why I try everything to please the Lord. Everyday I cook breakfast in the morning for his children even though his wife never does. I clean the entire house by myself. I wash the kitchen floor while his wife sits at home watching TV. I walk the dog and pick after its poop when his children refuse to do it. In his house I am not allowed to use the internet, so I can only use the internet when I am at work as a babysitter. And even my old laptop was confiscated by the pastor because he believes computers are evil and they are the means to corrupt the mind of a Christian. I have to share bathroom with his two teenage boys and constantly they walk in on me while I am taking a shower. One time I even overhead them telling their friends that I am a Chinese prostitute their dad adopted from China and I am going to be deported back to China. They tell their friends I have herpes.
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