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Now, take another.’ Of course, Adarian taught everyone that lesson. Only for most other rangers, it was meant to keep them centered in combat situations. For me, it was social. I didn’t realize until my first day of ranger training how much I’d used Yavara as a crutch, and that’s when I realized the crutch had crippled me. I sat by myself in the mess hall, isolated myself in the barracks, and went to the library during rest hours. When I was assigned to a squad, I couldn’t hide myself anymore. After three panic attacks, Adarian pulled me out. ‘One breath, then another.’ He told me as I clutched my chest, eyes bulging, my heart pounding. ‘Shit, Elena.’ He said, ‘I’ve seen you operate under fire without so much as breaking a sweat, but Brian cracks a gay joke and you shatter. No, don’t give me that; it’s not your fault. It’s mine. Most rangers are like wolves, you see; they operate in packs, and the lone wolf dies. But you’re not a wolf. Wolves bark and growl and harry herds until they. It hadn’t been much, but it had been enough. She didn’t ask questions, nor did she argue or reach for anything else. Instead, she simply waited for me to speak again. ‘That bawd color might have been what brought Sir to you initially, but that isn’t why he brought you to his home. Not now. Not ever.’ She asked simply, ‘Then what is my purpose? What is my raison d’être?’ Quietly I ground my teeth. Never in my life–nor my afterlife–had I had to struggle with myself as I did now to keep my composure. That–accent! I exhaled slowly, and I composed myself anew before I dared to speak again. ‘Honestly, I don’t know. And, honestly, I couldn’t care less. It’s as I said before, that is completely and most absolutely up to Sir.’ ‘Then who…?’ ‘Who am I?’ She nodded. ‘And what? What purpose do you serve?’ Had my heart still beat beneath my breast, it would have stopped then and there. For the first time in my existence I was dumbstruck–and I despised it. And I despised her for bringing it out in.
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