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"I tried to compose myself."I'm ... okay," my voice cracked.He knocked again and tried the door."Jess, open up. Please."I took a breath and unlocked the door.David came in and quickly closed it behind him. I saw him shoo away Patty who had been with him outside the door.Without saying a word, he saw my look and he stepped forward and held me. I melted into his arms and cried. Soon I became aware of his shortened breathing and I looked up at him with blurred eyes. He was crying too, softly."I'm sorry," I said. "It's just that I didn't think there might be new people here." I know," David said. "It's still tough on you." It's my penance," I said as I sighed."It shouldn't have to be," he whispered.My voice caught in my throat, but I swallowed and managed to compose myself."Sometimes I think this is harder than the other choice." Jess, come on now. We worked so hard to get past this."I nodded and held him."I know," I said. "It's just that it's not easy to live with a mistake and be. "Chris is a wanker! Chris is a wanker!"I don't need this."Get 'im!"I can't stand this.The punches, the kicks, the name-calling, the abuse, the stealing, the shouting, the screaming.The tears.I don't have to put up with this.***I stare out of the window for what I know will be the last time. The tears are spent; the recriminations, gone. This is it.For a while I just sit, watching the occasional car drive past, flanking the parked vans at the side of the road. I watch the rain collecting on the branches of the trees, weighing down on the new leaves of springtime and finally dropping to the ground, scattering small clouds of dirt.I see the men outside the hardware shop up the road, arguing over some new item or another. I was never anything like them. I see the young mother walk her child by the railway track, and I have a terrible moment of clarity. I'll never be like her, no matter how hard I might try. Never.My eyes start to mist over, and it feels like the tears are coming.
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