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It was just before I was beaten up and robbed of what little money and possessions I had, at the back of that truck stop, somewhere back along the road aways, I hadn’t a clue where. I felt in some ways I was lucky. If I hadn’t been nigh on eight months’ heavy with child, the assault on me could have been worse.Both men had said they’d, “a’raped ya if ya hadn’t been such a fat colored cow”.The way they curved their cruel lips and their rough vindictive tongues around the ‘colored’ word, so full o’ hate and malice, I’d felt that sentence more deeply than the punches that split my lip and blackened one of my eyes.The nurse at the free hospital in Conrad who patched me up and checked the health of the baby, was a kindly local Indian woman, who said the baby was fine but added, “You be sure’n come by’n see me nex’ week now, honey.”I said I couldn’t be sure where I would be next week, I’d been on my way to stay with my cousin Connie, who’d moved to Seattle a year or two earlier, only to. I didn't know what to do. How could I competewith a man?"I, of course, was clueless, perhaps willfully so, about her feelings,just as I had been clueless about my increasingly femme image. Eventhough I had never been what anyone would call macho (I was much too"artistic" for that) I was gradually becoming more and more femininewith my longer (although publicly unpolished) nails, long, smooth, shinyhair, and carefully trimmed eyebrows. Now, looking back, I have nodoubt that feminine gestures, phrases, and movements often had becomesecond nature to me, and most of the world probably thought I was gay.This must have been terribly embarrassing for Rebecca, though she didn'tlet on to me for the longest time.In the end, it was our contract with Matti that blew everything wideopen. I had already agreed, initially at Rebecca's urging, but laterbecause it was what I wanted to do, to meet with Matti only when dressedas a woman. But we always met with her away from the office, often ather.
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