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"What do you think?" C'mon big guy, I'm your girl next door. Have an affair with me.He stopped and squinted. "Izzat a new dress or somethin'?" Strike one." I'll figure it out. I gotta go." He swept past me, climbed into his leased Porsche, the one the firm gave him, and was gone.Well fuck him, I thought darkly. This butterfly was pissed off.I made popcorn, found a romantic movie-the kind where the guy gets the girl--and fixed myself a vodka and tonic.The cell phone didn't ring once all night.The next morning, the transformation I was hoping for felt like it could be seeping into my veins. I felt good, like I was returning to my old self. Every time a thought of Danielle tried to burrow it's way in, I shut it out.At about eleven o'clock am, I found myself alone in the house, again. I sat in my kitchen, leafing through a magazine, and thinking about how I could do some decorating. Nesting? That's a heterosexual thing to do, right? Maybe suggesting that we redo David's office would make. .. I offered myself.” Kate cried and held herself to me. I was so angry I couldn’t even put my arms around her.“You told me he forced you.”“He did. But it was my fault. The first time he kissed me I realized I’d made a mistake. I was so overwhelmed with self-loathing that I froze. He kept going and I started to fight him off. I said, ‘No. I can’t do this.’ He just kept pulling my clothes off. I pushed and scratched, but I couldn’t get away from the constant hammering in my head that this was what I deserved. I deserved to be humiliated and raped. I deserved everything he did. I hated myself. You think I deserved it, too.”I managed to bring my hands up to Kate’s shoulders and tried to hold her. She pushed herself away from me.“I understand what Wendy felt when she went back to Rafe. I understand why she felt that way. I understand what a terrible, dirty, self-centered person I am. I wash—douche—every day, but I’ll never be clean again. I lost everything. I’ll never have ... never have.
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