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"Finally, I nervously asked, "Did Suzy ever - Well, did she give you an orgasm?"I think he could hear the tension in my voice, but he calmly replied to my intimate question."No, she never did..."I asked him another question, "So, you've never had an orgasm?"He laughed, "Of course I have! Just not from Suzy."I was genuinely curious, and I asked, "So with who?" With - well - no one - you know." No, how?"He smiled at me and said, "Well, how do YOU have you orgasms, like that, silly."And I think I just looked at him with a kind of blank expression.He said, "Wait a minute. Oh God, I'm sorry - you mean you've never - had an orgasm?"I didn't answer, I couldn't say anything."Oh c'mon - Haven't you ever, you know."I couldn't answer, right then I felt totally embarrassed. I finally whispered, "No."He realized that I was really uncomfortable, "Oh my God, Jackie, I'm sorry."I could tell it was hard for Tommy, he knew, right then I was feeling really vulnerable - and I didn't want to act too. I grab onto his wrist, and for a moment, I just let myself feel him before pulling him away and throwing his hand back at him. He goes to move closer and I put my hands up in front of me. ‘Don’t. Please don’t,’ I say, still crying, my breath swallowing some of my words. ‘Don’t what Bells?’ ‘Don’t fucking call me Bells,’ I sob, ‘and don’t fucking touch me. Please.’ He steps back and for the first time, I look at him. He’s swallowing his own tears, struggling with his own words. I want to kiss him, I want to punch him. I want to leave. ‘What the fuck?’ I say. He looks at me. ‘I was walking down the street and there you were, sitting down eating with Anna. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve wanted to call you for months, but I didn’t know how or what to say. I saw you sitting there and I couldn’t stop myself, I had to talk to you.’ For the first time I stop crying. ‘You make me sick,’ I say and I turn and go down the subway stairs. He doesn’t follow. . .. I call work and tell them I’m not.
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